Today would've been your 23rd birthday. Usually I would've arrived at your door with my arms full of presents and been so excited to see you open them. Today my present was a bouquet of flowers that I laid on your grave. Not the same as Superdry clothes or aftershave or X-box games. Just flowers. I thought that having you buried and close to where I will make my home was a good idea. I'm not so sure about that now. I have to resist the urge to kick away the frozen soil that covers you and check that this awful nightmare is just that. A nightmare that I can't wake up from. I shouted at you in the hospital to wake up. Enough already. This is not funny. I did the same in the funeral place and I still do it at your grave. I'm writing this as I travel back to Horsham and I will expect to see you when I go to your house. What will I do if you're not there? Where are you? I don't see you in my dreams. I don't feel you're beside me. I need to know that you're not hurting anymore. I just need you. The train has just passed East Surrey hospital. Can it really be nearly 2 months since you were there? When you were in ICU I went into the hospital chapel and wrote in this book. I asked God not to let you die. How stupid and naive I was. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing never ever forget how much I love you. Happy birthday xxxxx